Profile: The Beard
Who is this elusive character known as The Beard? Oh, he is an enigma wrapped in a mystery with a large dollop of "wtf." One can never truly know The Beard. He has, as you might imagine, a beard (see illustration at right). And I guess he's kind of pointy and looks like he has Ken hair. Wait, that's not right. Let me start over.
The Beard is my arch-nemesis. Crafted in a secret lair somewhere deep beneath the Bermuda Triangle by Martian scientists whose goal is to lure women back to their planet using sexy biomechanoid men. The only way to fight these manly constructs is to join with them...in bed. It seems as good an explanation as any. Unfortunately, these handsome hunky golems are afraid of commitment. To defeat the diabolical martians, we must marry their secret weapons.
Sure, I don't have any evidence, but I'm still deep in study. Watching The Beard from right up near him. Sometimes from under him. Luckily, the martians designed their biomechanoids with great cooking skills, superior strength, and plutonium power cores for extra warmth on those cold winter nights.