Never teh Bride's Dress Critique: A clean sweep

Here she is! The blushing bride! Standing among the relics of her grandparents' forgotten lives! Seriously, what's up with the butterflies?

You know what trains like this remind me of? It's a toss up. I think of the guys with the sticks on ropes that smooth out the baseball field around the seventh inning. I also think of the large sweepers they use in outlet complex parking lots to pick up the day's debris. That grey carpet is now 20% cleaner because she's been pacing the room.

I know they have a bunch of neat little tricks to hoist up the back end of these sorts of dresses, but what happens in a crisis situation? What if revolutionaries crash the wedding? What if a sexy, sexy ex-lover wants to steal you away just before the ceremony? Or what if the stupid, freaking pinning on the train breaks?

What do you do, soldier? What do you do?! How do you sit down at the banquet table for the toasts? How do you dance? How do you go to the bathroom?

And anyway, how do you keep your clumsy dad from stepping on the damn thing when you're walking down the aisle, which is the only time (except for photography sessions) that you're not going to have the dang thing pinned up to your bottom? This dress, in my opinion, is a dashed-dreams wedding waiting to happen.

Let's keep it simple.


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