Let them eat cake!

Oh, man, cake. My other nemesis. Sorry, The Beard, but Never teh Bride had a first love and that love was wholly dedicated to sweet, soft, ooey-gooey cakey goodness. Which, of course, was why Never teh Bride was a pudgy, globular little pre-teen. My relationship with sweets has been a rocky one, which is why I try to distract myself with exercise whenever I sense The Beard thinking about what to eat after the huge bowl of pasta we just shared. Ladies, if you don't already know, there is nothing more fattening than living with your man.

Anyway, cake. One of the best and worst elements of any wedding is the cake. On one hand, they are beautiful to look at, like this simple yet artfully decorated number to the right. A fruit cake, not a fruity cake. I'm guessing the "fruit" is made of sweet, sweet icing.

The problem with most wedding cakes, however, has little to do with the outside, icky as it often is. Yes, wedding cakes look great, but they often taste awful. Sure, a cake is a cake to some people, but I am not some people. I mainly detest bakery cakes. The sponge inside is usually dry like Wonderbread or flavorless or crumbly. And half chocolate, half vanilla colored, with neither tasting like either? Who thought up that travesty? I've always supposed that it has something to do with bland palattes. Since the nuptual couple wants to satisfy everyone, they simply can't have a unique cake. Humph. I must disagree. People are there to celebrate the couple and to drink the free booze...not to stuff themselves silly.

I love this cake. I'm usually not a big fan of the sea or nautical themes, but this is just so clever and visually appealing (yes, it came from a beach wedding) that I can't resist. Why ought it not have something tasty in the middle? Like a real fruit compote with a little bit of rum, or a nutmeat puree with a thin chocolate cream instead of that vile chocolate pudding one often finds. Of course, it's not quite chocolate. More like...sweet brown goo.


No, no. Never teh Bride's fantasy cake is made out of light and fluffy white cake drizzled with some sort of classy dessert booze, no doubt amaretto, and chocolate ganache. And yes, there will be chopped nuts, possibly almonds, somewhere in there as well. And marzipan on the outside, molded to the shape of the cake. It will be hellsa almondy and tender and wonderful and if Uncle Earnest just can't stomach almonds he can sit quietly and get drunk and eat banana pudding or some other thing from the children's dessert buffet. And he can freaking like it.


At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very cute! We get a cake as part of our wedding package at the hotel, so sometime in September I'm guessing we'll go over & pick out the cake. But we also get dessert as part of the reception meal, and they have this beauuuuutifully-presented tiramisu that tastes even better than it looks. And it looks pretty friggin amazing. If I were a guest at my wedding, I'd be like, "You mean I get this AND CAKE?" And hopefully they won't care what the cake is like.

We're hopefully also getting some kind of sculpture of two little black cats with their tails entwined as a cake topper, in honor of our two black cats. :)

- October Bride

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Never teh bride said...

Yow! October Bride, that's fabulous!

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